I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
