I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
