probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
