I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize