sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
