dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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