Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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