Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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