I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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