My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
