I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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