I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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