so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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