I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
