doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
