i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
