then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
