I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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