I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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