somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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