guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
