If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
