The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
