He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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