i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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