We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
