They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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