Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
