I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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