The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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