I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
