Already got asked if we're dating
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Randomize
