It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
