I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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