Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
