Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
