When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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