woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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