i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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