Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
