I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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