hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize