It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
