mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
