I can tuck mytits in my pants
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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