This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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