My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
