My sheets look like a crime scene.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
