I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
