saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
