Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
