Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
