Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
