I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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