ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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