We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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