DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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